Songs when training vs. when not training

I was at the gym, having a great brick workout session. I'd just finished swimming 1000 meters and was 8 miles into my 10 mile bike ride.

Then, it happened...Tove Lo- Habits came on

Now, I love this song. Good beat, nice voice, but mostly because I love bitter break up songs. Always have, always will, no shame. So the song's playing, and I'm pedaling away, when the chorus comes on and I'm hit with a wave of emotion.

A little background before I keep going with this story. I was at the gym, doing a brick session, and I only know what the hell a brick session is (more than one sport in a workout) because I'm training for IronMan. While I've always wanted to do an IronMan because it seemed like a really badass thing to do, I would never have signed up for one if it wasn't for my dad's death. He died while he was on one of his regular century rides. Went from healthy as a horse to dead as a door nail in seconds. HE always wanted to do and IronMan and was actually training for one when he died. So, mostly, I'm doing an IronMan to finish some of the unfinished business that my dad will never be able to. It still breaks my heart to remember his workbench in the days after his death. Half finished projects and tools strewn all over it. Clearly the workspace of someone who plans on returning from a bike ride. Only, he didn't. He died. My dad's dead and I'm doing an IronMan for him.

Now, "Habits" comes on, and all of a sudden, the lyrics have a whole different meaning. Words that used to sound like a jilted lover, all of a sudden speak to my heart as a mourning daughter. A mourning daughter who is putting everything she physically has into every workout so she won't fail at the one thing she feels like she can do to bring some sense of closure to a life that ended too abruptly.

"You're gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe, I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you"

Now, obviously, I never referred to my dad as "babe," and that word alone was what originally made me think of the song as a brokenhearted girl pouring out her soul about an ex-lover. But man, today these words hit home.

The only time I can think of my dad without feeling crushing amounts of pain and guilt are when I am training. As long as I'm getting that high, I'm not hurting, I can forget I'm missing him. That's probably another reason why I get so moody when I can't train. It feels like some sort of a betrayal.

The loss never goes away. The hurt never lessens. The pain just becomes commonplace.

He's gone, and I've got to stay high to forget I'm missing him.